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As each day passes, blogging became more and more on my mind.  I had so much to say, but no real direction.  Tons of ideas and events that happened that are relative, but I was stuck. 

Grief is different for each of us.  I lost my job and my father within a couple of weeks.  It has been an emotional time; however, the emotions didn’t coincide with one another.  At times I was so angry about my employment situation and yet teary with sadness about my dad.  I was lost.  I had lost my identity as a valuable employee and I was a daughter to no one.  My brain would rattle on for hours with speeches, scenarios, remembrance, ideas, all to which would completely tire me out.

I reflected on Eckart Tolle’s “A New Earth” and the labels we put upon ourselves and others.  I knew I was more than label but what?  I’m Anne, but what is Anne.  At times I feel my life is one big farce.  Words I have used to describe me are a kaleidoscope thinker or oxymoron of myself.  Spending time with your own self can be a good thing but it also can be a tormenting thing, at least in my head.  Ego seems to love a good starting point to plot itself against you.

Throughout all of this, life went on.  Sometimes I had a ton of energy and most times I lacked the vim and vigour to take a step forward.  I functioned.  I may have had the odd stumble forward, yet that was out of necessity.   

During the last week of August, Troy was going through a noticeable change.  His behaviour.  At first we put it down to 19-year-old laten hormones, but a random test the doctor did, showed his pancreatic levels were abnormally high.  “Grave concern” were the words our family doctor used.  Since, mid-September we have waited for a referral for a Cat Scan, which nothing visible was seen, and now we wait for our February 20th appointment for a consultation with a Gastrointestinal Surgeon.

So here is my first step, since Summer 2012.  One of many to catch up on significant events that happened to Troy and the journey through Canada’s medical system to find an answer to Troy’s significant pain. 

Welcome Back and welcome anew.

one-small-step

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