As it was a work day, my husband dressed him as usual, and then I follow to feed him breakfast. Oatmeal with raisins and almonds, from scratch, with a dash of cinnamon sugar. I gave him his kiss good morning and sat down to help him hand-over-hand (hoh). I sang “Happy Birthday” to him, so he would know it was his big day. I am not sure how much time passed by, but I realized I was just sitting and staring, not having a clue how 18 years just passed me by. The day I was finally permitted to take him home from his extended stay at the hospital when he was born, Elvis Presley “I Can’t Help Falling in Love with You” was playing on the radio, and I promised I would dance at his wedding with him to that song. He’s now an adult and I am baffled how the longest journey could possibly have happened in a blink.
I kissed him once again, as he boarded his bus to school and I headed off to work. I could feel it all day. Jittery, gulping as if something was stuck in my throat, tentative and pretty much keeping to myself. The day was coming to a close and I was working on an old Trust file. This was a client who had been injured in their youth and has spent his whole life in an institution. Having lost his mother and father, the institution took care of his daily needs and made requests to his trust for additional financial needs. I didn’t want this for My Guy. I wanted My Guy to have his own voice, to ask for what he needed or what he wanted or to just be able to go out and get it. I don’t want him relying on others that he will be a priority in their lives. I want for his independance and that is a dream that has become so distant, the possibility is far too remote. My heart was in pain, my breathing was short and the tears were flowing. This is my reality and it is too painful at times. My baby was now 18 and all that I knew and was trained for was about to become derailed. In that moment, I felt very alone, very frightened and very tired.
The good news is with a life like mine, you don’t get much time to wallow in your sorrow, but you have to move forward. Five people are waiting at home for dinner. The other good news is someone else needed my assistance that night and I had to keep my emotions in check. By the time I was ready for bed, I was too exhausted to think of the day’s events.
The night for his true celebration came and we all went out for dinner at Montana’s. He opened his gifts when we returned and from us he received an aquarium with fish that are bright and bold and visible. I have caught him watching them quietly, while he sits in his bean bag chair and know, that right now, in this moment, he is so very happy.
To My Guy, whether there is a wedding day or not, this song is for you.